New Friend: Pup
So a few months after moving into my new home, I was scrolling through Growlr when I landed on the profile of a young man who I am going to call Pup. He isn't one,a Pup, but it is based off of an inside joke that led to probably the first moment I started realizing things were not going to be what we had agreed upon when beginning our friendship. It was also the first moment I really saw him just bust out laughing, which made it a clear memory.
Pup was graduating college, dealing with the potential (and eventual) end of a relationship, and like me, looking for someone to connect with in a way that was more than just sex, but not more than either of us was ready or willing to deal with. We talked about the fact that once he was heavier, and my body issues, and the fact that we both just really wanted someone to gel with and build an actual friendship. We met, and the chill was there. A few quiet hang outs, a scary video game, and plenty of chat later, and we were well on our way to becoming friends, and we decided to venture out into the wide world.
We took a trip to JJ's and Pup ran into and actual Pup that he had chatted with. A the night came to a close, the pup walked up and what I thought was him saying goodbye, was him sniffing Pup. A he walked off, Pup leaned over and told me he had smelled him. We both started giggling and talking about how awkward it was as we are both kind of ignorant of that particular fetish. I cracked a joke about wondering if when pups orgasm, if they don't howl like "Awooooooooooo" and that did it. In that moment three things happened. Pup busted a gut and laughed in a way that was new to me. I also realized I would enjoy being the cause of a laugh like that for him on many occasions, and lastly, my emotions surpassed where they were supposed to stay.
Not wanting to hide anything from Pup for too long, I did eventually let him know I was starting to desire more with him. He appreciated my honesty and my ability to deal, and he surprised me with his patience. It wasn't until someone significant stepped up into his life that Pup and I had to worry about any drama surrounding me dealing with my budding emotions.
Enter Codename Saturday. Saturday forced me to deal with some things quicker than I would have liked. It wasn't long until Pup shared with me that he was in fact getting feelings for Saturday even though he knew he shouldn't, I shared my concern and nervously, my jealousy with Pup and again he handled it like a pro. I told him I don't want my emotions to cause drama as I could see myself getting through it and our friendship even outlasting what he was beginning to share with Saturday, to eventually become like brothers.
A time came when I had accepted that Saturday made Pup happy. What they had started and were continuing was making my friend enjoy his life just a bit more and I realized that by distancing myself from that uncomfortable reality, I was doing nothing to help continue our friendship. I told Pup I wanted to apologize for my attitude and keeping Saturday separate from our friendship. One night at the bar I approached Saturday.
What the Pup looking on, I shook his hand and told him I realized that he made Pup happy and I'd like to bury any hard feelings between us and move on. He quickly rebutted with "If you fuck with my life, I will fuck with yours back."I looked at him and let go of his hand and walked out of the bar. Pup gave me a ride home and allowed me to vent but did not say anything to imply that he understood how I felt, only that he knew Saturday, and that he wouldn't have meant it as a threat. I went back to ignoring Saturday the next day and explained to Pup that maybe it was better that Saturday and I just don't interact. He agreed.
I discussed publishing this post with Pup tonight at work. There are details I have left out to protect Saturday, not due to his threat, but due to not wanting to be a cause of more drama between my friend and the man who makes him happy. You may think this is weak of me, but putting my friends happiness above my own is what I try to do, no matter who it is. I made the mistake once with someone very close to me of trying to make a distinct separation and it cost me almost a year of her friendship. I won't do the same with Pup.
What I realized today though was that Saturday, as much as I hate it, was a bittersweet blessing in disguise. What I have not shared with Pup, and what he will see moments before you do, is that when he took Saturday's side the night he threatened me, he cemented how I see my friendship with Pup and settled any lingering emotions I had for him in one fell swoop. I learned that my friend, in his happiness, was the kind of friend who would not stand up for me at the cost of his own happiness. At least not in any way that Ihave seen or has been shared with me.
Before you comment, understand, this is normal. No one wants to give up their own happiness or risk it. I am the one who also for so long, held my silence about this, to hold onto my happiness and my friendship with Pup. I only share now because I want him to realize that finally, I understand we would not have made better boyfriends than friends and hopefully still one day, Brothers. I share it not to cause harm, but bring understanding that yes, Saturday served a purpose, and while I still want nothing to do with him for now, I am also quietly thankful for the lesson he taught me about my friend Pup.
I share this experience because it is not the first time I have had to deal with emotions i shouldn't have, but it is the first time I have realized the lesson in such a way. It is in large part to Pups patience and character that I got here, and I wanted to share. No part of any of this is meant to pass judgement on anyone involved. It is not judgement I share but acceptance in reality as far as I know it to be.
Pup was graduating college, dealing with the potential (and eventual) end of a relationship, and like me, looking for someone to connect with in a way that was more than just sex, but not more than either of us was ready or willing to deal with. We talked about the fact that once he was heavier, and my body issues, and the fact that we both just really wanted someone to gel with and build an actual friendship. We met, and the chill was there. A few quiet hang outs, a scary video game, and plenty of chat later, and we were well on our way to becoming friends, and we decided to venture out into the wide world.
We took a trip to JJ's and Pup ran into and actual Pup that he had chatted with. A the night came to a close, the pup walked up and what I thought was him saying goodbye, was him sniffing Pup. A he walked off, Pup leaned over and told me he had smelled him. We both started giggling and talking about how awkward it was as we are both kind of ignorant of that particular fetish. I cracked a joke about wondering if when pups orgasm, if they don't howl like "Awooooooooooo" and that did it. In that moment three things happened. Pup busted a gut and laughed in a way that was new to me. I also realized I would enjoy being the cause of a laugh like that for him on many occasions, and lastly, my emotions surpassed where they were supposed to stay.
Not wanting to hide anything from Pup for too long, I did eventually let him know I was starting to desire more with him. He appreciated my honesty and my ability to deal, and he surprised me with his patience. It wasn't until someone significant stepped up into his life that Pup and I had to worry about any drama surrounding me dealing with my budding emotions.
Enter Codename Saturday. Saturday forced me to deal with some things quicker than I would have liked. It wasn't long until Pup shared with me that he was in fact getting feelings for Saturday even though he knew he shouldn't, I shared my concern and nervously, my jealousy with Pup and again he handled it like a pro. I told him I don't want my emotions to cause drama as I could see myself getting through it and our friendship even outlasting what he was beginning to share with Saturday, to eventually become like brothers.
A time came when I had accepted that Saturday made Pup happy. What they had started and were continuing was making my friend enjoy his life just a bit more and I realized that by distancing myself from that uncomfortable reality, I was doing nothing to help continue our friendship. I told Pup I wanted to apologize for my attitude and keeping Saturday separate from our friendship. One night at the bar I approached Saturday.
What the Pup looking on, I shook his hand and told him I realized that he made Pup happy and I'd like to bury any hard feelings between us and move on. He quickly rebutted with "If you fuck with my life, I will fuck with yours back."I looked at him and let go of his hand and walked out of the bar. Pup gave me a ride home and allowed me to vent but did not say anything to imply that he understood how I felt, only that he knew Saturday, and that he wouldn't have meant it as a threat. I went back to ignoring Saturday the next day and explained to Pup that maybe it was better that Saturday and I just don't interact. He agreed.
I discussed publishing this post with Pup tonight at work. There are details I have left out to protect Saturday, not due to his threat, but due to not wanting to be a cause of more drama between my friend and the man who makes him happy. You may think this is weak of me, but putting my friends happiness above my own is what I try to do, no matter who it is. I made the mistake once with someone very close to me of trying to make a distinct separation and it cost me almost a year of her friendship. I won't do the same with Pup.
What I realized today though was that Saturday, as much as I hate it, was a bittersweet blessing in disguise. What I have not shared with Pup, and what he will see moments before you do, is that when he took Saturday's side the night he threatened me, he cemented how I see my friendship with Pup and settled any lingering emotions I had for him in one fell swoop. I learned that my friend, in his happiness, was the kind of friend who would not stand up for me at the cost of his own happiness. At least not in any way that Ihave seen or has been shared with me.
Before you comment, understand, this is normal. No one wants to give up their own happiness or risk it. I am the one who also for so long, held my silence about this, to hold onto my happiness and my friendship with Pup. I only share now because I want him to realize that finally, I understand we would not have made better boyfriends than friends and hopefully still one day, Brothers. I share it not to cause harm, but bring understanding that yes, Saturday served a purpose, and while I still want nothing to do with him for now, I am also quietly thankful for the lesson he taught me about my friend Pup.
I share this experience because it is not the first time I have had to deal with emotions i shouldn't have, but it is the first time I have realized the lesson in such a way. It is in large part to Pups patience and character that I got here, and I wanted to share. No part of any of this is meant to pass judgement on anyone involved. It is not judgement I share but acceptance in reality as far as I know it to be.
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