The Break Down on the Break Up
So let's go ahead and start with something I have been thinking of typing up for a while now.
Dear Jefferic,
I do mean dear. You see, just because so much bullshit went down around our break up, doesn't mean I don't find you in my heart everyday. Turns out, you were right. Time brought clarity, once the feelings cooled down, the anger died away and so much became clear. You know what the most obvious thing to me is now? As much as loved you, and still do, we never should have dated. There are a few reasons for this, most of them became known to me after moving to live with you in Memphis. If you read this, know I mean it with no anger, I type with no hatred in my heart, and what I share is simply my understanding of a situation that through no current communication, I have come to understand.
Seeing you at the bar is the catalyst for my understanding. I have seen the new jewelry you wear. I have seen the group you hang out with. You know what really surprised me about all of it? The fact that I am not upset by it. Seeing even just that little peek of your life has helped me understand something that started becoming clear as soon as you shared some of the darker sides of yourself with me in Memphis. I won't lie, I ask about it, this new lifestyle you live. Partly because I am curious about you and your well being, and partly because it blows my mind that you are living it.
Not because you shouldn't, but because it makes you happy (from the looks of it) and that makes me happy for you. It also makes me miss you terribly sometimes.
The thing is, seeing it clarifies that we should never have dated. That is the only part of all of this that upsets me. I feel like as good a person as you are, you used me a little from the beginning. You told me once, right before everything really started to chip away at the home for my heart that was us, that you saw me as your last chance for a real relationship. Immediately two thoughts occurred that day. One, my love will be enough, and two, what if I can't please him? It turns out my love was not enough, who I am was not enough and as it turns out, I couldn't please you. The softer nurturing parts of who I am surpassed the parts of me that could be hard and controlling and dominating which is what you were really seeking in your life.
I never lied to you about who I am. My body issues, my dark past, my need for companionship, my passive personality. I never have and never will see the point in hiding who I am when I am seeking a real and genuine connection, I don't blame you for seeing me as that last chance at normal, I would have given anything to make you happy, but all the same you needed more than I could give. This is where I felt like a failure, and it is where the hurt that sparked so much anger came from. It wasn't until I realized recently that I was no where near who you needed me to be, that I understood our dating was never meant to last. Again, I am not angry, just accepting the understanding I have come to.
I won't sit here and not accept the things I did wrong as well. You feel I cheated you, or did last time we traded texts and I can understand why you would feel that way. We had a long discussion on opening our relationship and I left it under the impression that we had, and yes, I used that belief to find relief for the areas of my life that were left unfulfilled by you. It was never meant to be a one sided experience, I was fully under the same understanding that you were seeking the same thing for yourself. Yes, I discussed it with a mutual friend and that later came to kick me square in the pants and act as a catalyst for our destruction. I also discussed our relationship with a long time friend of yours and sought her advice as we had really started to struggle and I didn't know what to do.
My ignorance of relationships and some of adult life in general led s through some very intense discussions and lessons. For the patience you showed me, I am thankful, for the year and a half I had your heart, I am thankful. For the lessons and experiences I will always be grateful. Iam sure people we both know will read this and it may or may not get back to you, and if it does, I want you to know I accept and apologize for the things I fell short of in our relationship. Whether or not I agree with the way you see things, there were failures on my end and if you ever decide to discuss them, well, I am here.
You were my first relationship, and I was your last chance at normal. A milestone for both of us that has led us to better places in the end. Maybe seeing that will get us through, finally, to a friendship, maybe the friendship we should have had from the beginning.
Dear Jefferic,
I do mean dear. You see, just because so much bullshit went down around our break up, doesn't mean I don't find you in my heart everyday. Turns out, you were right. Time brought clarity, once the feelings cooled down, the anger died away and so much became clear. You know what the most obvious thing to me is now? As much as loved you, and still do, we never should have dated. There are a few reasons for this, most of them became known to me after moving to live with you in Memphis. If you read this, know I mean it with no anger, I type with no hatred in my heart, and what I share is simply my understanding of a situation that through no current communication, I have come to understand.
Seeing you at the bar is the catalyst for my understanding. I have seen the new jewelry you wear. I have seen the group you hang out with. You know what really surprised me about all of it? The fact that I am not upset by it. Seeing even just that little peek of your life has helped me understand something that started becoming clear as soon as you shared some of the darker sides of yourself with me in Memphis. I won't lie, I ask about it, this new lifestyle you live. Partly because I am curious about you and your well being, and partly because it blows my mind that you are living it.
Not because you shouldn't, but because it makes you happy (from the looks of it) and that makes me happy for you. It also makes me miss you terribly sometimes.
The thing is, seeing it clarifies that we should never have dated. That is the only part of all of this that upsets me. I feel like as good a person as you are, you used me a little from the beginning. You told me once, right before everything really started to chip away at the home for my heart that was us, that you saw me as your last chance for a real relationship. Immediately two thoughts occurred that day. One, my love will be enough, and two, what if I can't please him? It turns out my love was not enough, who I am was not enough and as it turns out, I couldn't please you. The softer nurturing parts of who I am surpassed the parts of me that could be hard and controlling and dominating which is what you were really seeking in your life.
I never lied to you about who I am. My body issues, my dark past, my need for companionship, my passive personality. I never have and never will see the point in hiding who I am when I am seeking a real and genuine connection, I don't blame you for seeing me as that last chance at normal, I would have given anything to make you happy, but all the same you needed more than I could give. This is where I felt like a failure, and it is where the hurt that sparked so much anger came from. It wasn't until I realized recently that I was no where near who you needed me to be, that I understood our dating was never meant to last. Again, I am not angry, just accepting the understanding I have come to.
I won't sit here and not accept the things I did wrong as well. You feel I cheated you, or did last time we traded texts and I can understand why you would feel that way. We had a long discussion on opening our relationship and I left it under the impression that we had, and yes, I used that belief to find relief for the areas of my life that were left unfulfilled by you. It was never meant to be a one sided experience, I was fully under the same understanding that you were seeking the same thing for yourself. Yes, I discussed it with a mutual friend and that later came to kick me square in the pants and act as a catalyst for our destruction. I also discussed our relationship with a long time friend of yours and sought her advice as we had really started to struggle and I didn't know what to do.
My ignorance of relationships and some of adult life in general led s through some very intense discussions and lessons. For the patience you showed me, I am thankful, for the year and a half I had your heart, I am thankful. For the lessons and experiences I will always be grateful. Iam sure people we both know will read this and it may or may not get back to you, and if it does, I want you to know I accept and apologize for the things I fell short of in our relationship. Whether or not I agree with the way you see things, there were failures on my end and if you ever decide to discuss them, well, I am here.
You were my first relationship, and I was your last chance at normal. A milestone for both of us that has led us to better places in the end. Maybe seeing that will get us through, finally, to a friendship, maybe the friendship we should have had from the beginning.
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